The children now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority, they show disrespect to their elders. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and are tyrants over their teachers.”

Does any of that sound familiar? It is attributed to the Greek philosopher Socrates some 2,000 years ago! No doubt parents of every generation have commented on the spoiling of youth.

A ’spoiled child’ usually gets his or her own way regardless of parental wishes. Sometimes they can be annoying or even downright objectionable. Still, some parents tolerate it and wonder why the problem behavior continues. Such parents usually avoid any contradiction of the child’s wishes and often give the impression that they want to be very popular with their children. Because they give many material and social rewards to children, it is only natural to wonder if it isn’t the rewards that have spoiled the child. The fact of the matter is that the child has been taught to behave in an objectionable manner, not intentionally, but by being rewarded for laid behavior.

It is not an overabundance of rewards that results in a child behaving badly, but the non-systematic use of rewards. If a child is rewarded for all actions, we can expect to see a continuation of both good and had behavior.

The end result of years of this lifestyle is that the child’s behavior gets worse and worse until parents are so frustrated they don’t know what to do. Some seek professional help. They feel love for their child, yet are frustrated by the child’s behavior. Such parents may be so constantly angry that they can scarcely contain their anger, perhaps saying, “I don’t understand it, we’ve done everything for the boy, we’ve given him everything, we’ve loved him, and yet he’s always in trouble. At times I could wring his neck!”

The key to understanding lies in looking at how a child is being rewarded.

Resistance to unwelcome tasks can often be avoided if a small treat for everybody is promised ahead of time, such as an ice cream cone or a few minutes of play at the park. (Caution: Don’t make such an offer following an act of defiance!)

Children should ideally be like robots who unquestioningly jump and obey every parental command. Children have rights too, including the expression of their own desires and sometimes not wanting to participate in errands or do jobs.

`Spare the rod and spoil the child’ was a popular child- rearing maxim for our parents’ generation. Often it was interpreted as simply meaning that children should be punished frequently, as if punishment in itself were somehow good for them. However, ’spare the rod’ can also be interpreted as suggesting parents should set limits and guidelines for children – that is, not letting them do everything they want. Children really want parents to set guidelines and to define limits of behavior.

Rewarding ‘bad’ behavior, by repeatedly giving in or being permissive, teaches a child to behave badly. Do this for several months – maybe even years – and you have a spoiled child and later, perhaps, a spoiled adult. So parents should feel free to give lots of love and other social rewards. The key is that such social rewards are not appropriate to all behavior; but should be given selectively to the behavior we like and want to encourage in our