Imagine this situation: Mum and Dad have two young children. At the end of the day, Dad comes home, hoping to watch the six o’clock news. The children are running about, making a lot of noise. Dad calls out to Mum in the other room. ‘You’re at home with these children all the time. Can’t you do something about this noise? I work all day and I’d like to come home just once in a while and have a little peace and quiet.’ This father believes that it is the mother’s responsibility to make sure the children are quiet when he is there.

In a minor variation of the same situation, Mum may come home from work to hear Dad say, ‘These children have been a terror today, and I want you to do something about it!’ he believes that the mother has responsibility to deal out the punishment and may have threatened the children with ‘Just wait until your mother gets home!’

Some parents believe that ‘boy problems’ are Dad’s responsibility while ‘girl problems’ are Mum’s. A mother will say `Can’t you do something with that son of yours?’ while the father suggests, ‘You’d better have a talk with your daughter.’ Such division of parental responsibility is inefficient for dealing with child problems. We advocate an equal relationship, with shared roles and responsibilities.

A family is built upon a complex system of situations between parents, children and often relatives. It should be apparent that a child’s behavior is unlikely to change if only one family member modifies his or her reactions while the others continue on as before. If we want any behavioral change program to be effective, it must include all members of the family, specifying the part each person plays in the situation, what they must do, and how they must change. Everybody can be involved in the planning by sitting down together and talking it over, so that everyone knows what is going on.

Weight loss is a slow process. Pounds do not suddenly disappear, and any person changing their eating habits needs all the encouragement possible. With all family members involved and on a positive focus, there can be lots of social rewards for exercising, eating smaller portions, and giving up high-calorie foods.

Thus, regardless of the behavior to be changed, you need to be sure that all family members are involved, know how to socially reward the desired behavior, and follow through. Treat it as a family project where nobody feels excluded. It is particularly important that no family member suffers by a program to change another’,s behavior, because the likely reaction to an undeserved penalty is to sabotage the program.

How do you get other children in the family to co-operate with a behavioral change program, rather than ridicule the child involved or sabotage parents’ efforts? It’s no secret that children enjoy teasing and annoying each other, and may even be delighted when the other one gets into trouble with their parents. In short, children can develop an acute sense of negative focus by eagerly picking away at anything they know will irritate a brother or sister., The end result is that Mum or Dad must play referee. When dealing with a specific behavioral problem, we want to be sure that not only Mum and Dad, but also the brother and/or sister, have a positive focus on the improved behavior. Reward sharing provides a reason for the other child to encourage a change in behavior rather than hinder it.

Choosing the reward to share must be done carefully. It has to be something that everybody likes and it must he special — that is, something which doesn’t occur very often. In other words, it is not already a regular part of family entertainment. If it’s routine to go out for a meal every Friday night, don’t suddenly insist that one child has to behave correctly or nobody goes out. That puts everybody in the position of being punished if the child in question does not immediately perform well. It may result in great pressure from brothers or sisters who don’t want to be cheated out of their normal fun. Once the special family reward has been selected, behavior is then recorded and socially rewarded, step-by- step. Possibly points or stars can be used until a desired goal is reached. Then the family can share the special reward.

The emphasis is not on if the goal is going to be reached, but when. Parents should also avoid planning shared rewards that are time limited, running out at a certain date and placing a child under pressure Cif James gets 50 points by Sunday, we can all go to the beach’). Instead, it should be planned to allow the child to achieve success at his or her own pace (When James has collected 50 points, we can all have a day at the beach’).

In the first exam Dad set up a shared reward for the boys and specified the behavior required, but expected a perfect record by t he next weekend. When Wayne carried out his task for three out of five days, he got no reward for his partial success. Dick was completely faithful to the task, yet he too got no reward. Dad set it up so that any failure on Wayne’s part would automatically result in punishment for both boys, regardless of how well Dick did his job. Conflict between the two boys • can certainly be expected. David’s Dad, in the second example, sets up a shared reward system for both boys. No one is left out, and both are earning points towards separate family goals. Dad has set no time limit, sop he rewards any improvement in David’s efforts. The boys know that eventually they will be going to a cricket match. Alto Joel is likely to show more interest in David’s success and may even remind him to take care of his pet. Remember, in :a good reward sharing plan, you must he sure that the child:ren are sharing rewards and not being punished through denial of an expected reward. Keep in mind that rewards are a personal thing. With children of very different ages, you may have to do some searching for a reward that interests everybody! It is certainly desirable to ask, and to discuss with the children, which rewards would make everybody happy.

Besides being helpful in changing one child’s behaviour, there are also broader family benefits of reward sharing There is a shift toward a more positive focus and away from a ‘failure’ orientation. In addition, such joint efforts tend to give the family a sense of unity through working together

Just as parents socially reward children, children socially reward us as parents: by doing what is asked of them having a generally cheerful disposition, smiling and laughing, acting excited and happy when they see us, showing affection, and imitating our behavior – in short, by making us feel needed and loved.

As children grow into the teenage years there is often a marked change in their world of social rewards. They have many friends at school, an entire social structure outside the social rewards more than those at home. Parents often wonder what happened. They feel that their children no longer consider them so important. There may he some truth in this but if parents give a lot of social rewards (even to teenagers), it is reasonable to expect that teenagers will reciprocate. Teenagers can socially reward parents by showing affection (although perhaps toned-down), having a sense of humour, talking about their lives, showing interest in what their parents are doing, and not treating them as if they were horribly old-fashioned.

Finally, this principle applies not only between parents and children but is true with any two individuals, brother and sister, husband and wife, employer and employee, or friends.

What kinds of material rewards do you value? The list might include a nice home, clothes, jewelry, cars, perfume, and boats – just about anything money will buy! Of course children have their prized rewards too: sweets, biscuits, dolls, toys. Material rewards (as we use the term) are tangible objects that have some economic value.

There is another very important type of reward – the social variety. Social rewards are intangible, cost nothing, and there is no limit to the supply. Some of the most important rewards for children are attention, praise, smiles, affection, touching and laughter. When it comes to social rewards, it is interesting to note that adults respond to the same things that children like. In fact, most of our adult interactions and relationships are based upon social rewards.

There are also a few rewards that seem to fit into both categories, material objects that have primarily social value., such as gold stars, points, or marks. For adults, status, position, titles, and maybe even medals, qualify.

Social rewards are far more important than material rewards in changing behavior. Most of us would like to have lots of material possessions! Wealth can indeed make life easier, but happiness and feelings of satisfaction with life depend upon a great deal more than just material wealth. Social interactions – that is human relationships – give life its warmth and vitality. No one ever gets tired of friendship, love, appreciation, concern, or interest from others!

Never underestimate the power of social rewards. Long term change doesn’t come about from sweets and biscuits or gold stars. Meaningful behavior change comes from relating to children with love and care.

Theuse or non-use of money for school achievements is not really the issue here. Some parents feel happy about giving a ‘bonus’ for good marks, while others do not. The point is that, whether or not money is used, the real reward in terms of the parent-child relationship is the social reward. That is the one that will have the greatest long-term effects. We should note that the use of a material bonus for children’s achievements is in no way different from what happens with many adults who get something special for a ‘job well done’. Any kind of bonus is in part a social reward too, since it calls attention to the person’s behavior and singles it out for recognition. But, like the child example, a bonus paid to Dad or Mum by the boss personally, with a pal on the back and a comment about how good a job has been done, will certainly have more effect than just a cheque that shows up in a pay envelope without comment.

We sometimes hear young people say, `My dad was OK I suppose but he didn’t give anything of himself. Oh, he would give me money and buy me things, but there was no feeling between us,’ Or from a father, ‘After all I did for my son he still doesn’t seem to respect but don’t understand it. I bought him everything he wanted.’ Obviously material rewards are not enough!

None of us would like to be called a ‘miser’. It suggests someone stingy or selfish. But misers are not just the Ebenezer Scrooges who hoard money. Any of us can qualify as a ’social reward miser’. The necessary characteristics are:

I. Rarely show genuine interest in others;

2. Do not laugh with others;

3. Be cynical about what others are doing;

4. Fail to compliment others on their deeds or achievements; and

5. Keep a safe distance from others.

Think of people in your immediate life situation, such as relatives, friends, employers and acquaintances. How many of them in your judgment would qualify as social reward misers? Finally, how good are you at giving out social rewards?

Some parents are social reward misers with their children and arc not even aware of it. Often they feel that children `should’ do things out of a sense of duty.

“Children should obey their parents, children should keep themselves and their room clean, children should get good school results, children should do their jobs…” All of these are familiar phrases for children. Society has similar ones for adults: adults should pay their taxes, adults should work hard and be productive, adults should obey the speed limit. Yet, many people do not follow these adult ‘rules’ solely out of a sense of responsibility. How many citizens would pay their taxes on time if the tax-man didn’t care? Would all of us go to work and be productive without a wage packet? Would everyone obey speed limits without the police around?

In just the same way with children, many `shoulds’ don’t mean much unless there is some kind of reward (or perhaps even punishment) system involved to hack them up. Unfortunately, ’shoulds’ often imply the threat of punishment if a chore is not completed. Usually parents or children whose lives revolve around `shoulds’ are carrying a degree of fear or guilt. Parents who are social reward misers frequently expect children to do things out of “you should do” backed by a threat of punishment.

Some parents learn to be social reward misers because they themselves were treated that way as children.

If children are misbehaving and parents are becoming increasingly irritated, there may be less and less social rewarding – this is good training for becoming a reward miser! It is very difficult to-give social rewards to someone who makes us angry. This builds into a vicious circle because, as we stop using social rewards, the other person (whether child or adult) has less reason to behave in desirable ways – and so things get worse. When we ignore people who are doing things we want, it is likely they will not do those things in the future.

Adults often get caught in ‘miser traps’. While growing up, for instance, men get the message that they are supposed to be strong, silent, and somewhat emotionless. This often leads to holding back with social rewards.

is reflected best in a strong, silent and non-affectionate approach will very likely turn away from both his wife and children .

Another trap affects divorced parents. Mothers often have custody of children while fathers have access rights at weekends. Sometimes such a situation allows the father to make the mother appear to be a material and social-reward miser. When the children spend a weekend with him, they are allowed to do everything they like and have all his attention. Then, when they go back home to their mother who has the day-to-day living responsibilities and cannot provide instant entertainment’ all the time, they see her as no fun’ and a miser. Such a situation can deepen the wedge between the divorced parents and certainly doesn’t help the children either. On such a case, it is desirable that the divorced mother should express her concern to the children, talk over the situation with her ex-husband, and try to work out a compromise.)

There are several dangers of being a. social reward miser and also pointed out that parents who use lots of social rewards with their children for the right behavior will be more effective as parents. Just having children behave in ways that we like is a tremendous reward for us as parents! In addition to that, parents who give an abundance of social rewards will receive the same from their children.

The whole idea of popularity, of being liked by others, is based upon this fundamental rule: you get what you give.

The children now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority, they show disrespect to their elders. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and are tyrants over their teachers.”

Does any of that sound familiar? It is attributed to the Greek philosopher Socrates some 2,000 years ago! No doubt parents of every generation have commented on the spoiling of youth.

A ’spoiled child’ usually gets his or her own way regardless of parental wishes. Sometimes they can be annoying or even downright objectionable. Still, some parents tolerate it and wonder why the problem behavior continues. Such parents usually avoid any contradiction of the child’s wishes and often give the impression that they want to be very popular with their children. Because they give many material and social rewards to children, it is only natural to wonder if it isn’t the rewards that have spoiled the child. The fact of the matter is that the child has been taught to behave in an objectionable manner, not intentionally, but by being rewarded for laid behavior.

It is not an overabundance of rewards that results in a child behaving badly, but the non-systematic use of rewards. If a child is rewarded for all actions, we can expect to see a continuation of both good and had behavior.

The end result of years of this lifestyle is that the child’s behavior gets worse and worse until parents are so frustrated they don’t know what to do. Some seek professional help. They feel love for their child, yet are frustrated by the child’s behavior. Such parents may be so constantly angry that they can scarcely contain their anger, perhaps saying, “I don’t understand it, we’ve done everything for the boy, we’ve given him everything, we’ve loved him, and yet he’s always in trouble. At times I could wring his neck!”

The key to understanding lies in looking at how a child is being rewarded.

Resistance to unwelcome tasks can often be avoided if a small treat for everybody is promised ahead of time, such as an ice cream cone or a few minutes of play at the park. (Caution: Don’t make such an offer following an act of defiance!)

Children should ideally be like robots who unquestioningly jump and obey every parental command. Children have rights too, including the expression of their own desires and sometimes not wanting to participate in errands or do jobs.

`Spare the rod and spoil the child’ was a popular child- rearing maxim for our parents’ generation. Often it was interpreted as simply meaning that children should be punished frequently, as if punishment in itself were somehow good for them. However, ’spare the rod’ can also be interpreted as suggesting parents should set limits and guidelines for children – that is, not letting them do everything they want. Children really want parents to set guidelines and to define limits of behavior.

Rewarding ‘bad’ behavior, by repeatedly giving in or being permissive, teaches a child to behave badly. Do this for several months – maybe even years – and you have a spoiled child and later, perhaps, a spoiled adult. So parents should feel free to give lots of love and other social rewards. The key is that such social rewards are not appropriate to all behavior; but should be given selectively to the behavior we like and want to encourage in our