Imagine this situation: Mum and Dad have two young children. At the end of the day, Dad comes home, hoping to watch the six o’clock news. The children are running about, making a lot of noise. Dad calls out to Mum in the other room. ‘You’re at home with these children all the time. Can’t you do something about this noise? I work all day and I’d like to come home just once in a while and have a little peace and quiet.’ This father believes that it is the mother’s responsibility to make sure the children are quiet when he is there.

In a minor variation of the same situation, Mum may come home from work to hear Dad say, ‘These children have been a terror today, and I want you to do something about it!’ he believes that the mother has responsibility to deal out the punishment and may have threatened the children with ‘Just wait until your mother gets home!’

Some parents believe that ‘boy problems’ are Dad’s responsibility while ‘girl problems’ are Mum’s. A mother will say `Can’t you do something with that son of yours?’ while the father suggests, ‘You’d better have a talk with your daughter.’ Such division of parental responsibility is inefficient for dealing with child problems. We advocate an equal relationship, with shared roles and responsibilities.

A family is built upon a complex system of situations between parents, children and often relatives. It should be apparent that a child’s behavior is unlikely to change if only one family member modifies his or her reactions while the others continue on as before. If we want any behavioral change program to be effective, it must include all members of the family, specifying the part each person plays in the situation, what they must do, and how they must change. Everybody can be involved in the planning by sitting down together and talking it over, so that everyone knows what is going on.

Weight loss is a slow process. Pounds do not suddenly disappear, and any person changing their eating habits needs all the encouragement possible. With all family members involved and on a positive focus, there can be lots of social rewards for exercising, eating smaller portions, and giving up high-calorie foods.

Thus, regardless of the behavior to be changed, you need to be sure that all family members are involved, know how to socially reward the desired behavior, and follow through. Treat it as a family project where nobody feels excluded. It is particularly important that no family member suffers by a program to change another’,s behavior, because the likely reaction to an undeserved penalty is to sabotage the program.

How do you get other children in the family to co-operate with a behavioral change program, rather than ridicule the child involved or sabotage parents’ efforts? It’s no secret that children enjoy teasing and annoying each other, and may even be delighted when the other one gets into trouble with their parents. In short, children can develop an acute sense of negative focus by eagerly picking away at anything they know will irritate a brother or sister., The end result is that Mum or Dad must play referee. When dealing with a specific behavioral problem, we want to be sure that not only Mum and Dad, but also the brother and/or sister, have a positive focus on the improved behavior. Reward sharing provides a reason for the other child to encourage a change in behavior rather than hinder it.

Choosing the reward to share must be done carefully. It has to be something that everybody likes and it must he special — that is, something which doesn’t occur very often. In other words, it is not already a regular part of family entertainment. If it’s routine to go out for a meal every Friday night, don’t suddenly insist that one child has to behave correctly or nobody goes out. That puts everybody in the position of being punished if the child in question does not immediately perform well. It may result in great pressure from brothers or sisters who don’t want to be cheated out of their normal fun. Once the special family reward has been selected, behavior is then recorded and socially rewarded, step-by- step. Possibly points or stars can be used until a desired goal is reached. Then the family can share the special reward.

The emphasis is not on if the goal is going to be reached, but when. Parents should also avoid planning shared rewards that are time limited, running out at a certain date and placing a child under pressure Cif James gets 50 points by Sunday, we can all go to the beach’). Instead, it should be planned to allow the child to achieve success at his or her own pace (When James has collected 50 points, we can all have a day at the beach’).

In the first exam Dad set up a shared reward for the boys and specified the behavior required, but expected a perfect record by t he next weekend. When Wayne carried out his task for three out of five days, he got no reward for his partial success. Dick was completely faithful to the task, yet he too got no reward. Dad set it up so that any failure on Wayne’s part would automatically result in punishment for both boys, regardless of how well Dick did his job. Conflict between the two boys • can certainly be expected. David’s Dad, in the second example, sets up a shared reward system for both boys. No one is left out, and both are earning points towards separate family goals. Dad has set no time limit, sop he rewards any improvement in David’s efforts. The boys know that eventually they will be going to a cricket match. Alto Joel is likely to show more interest in David’s success and may even remind him to take care of his pet. Remember, in :a good reward sharing plan, you must he sure that the child:ren are sharing rewards and not being punished through denial of an expected reward. Keep in mind that rewards are a personal thing. With children of very different ages, you may have to do some searching for a reward that interests everybody! It is certainly desirable to ask, and to discuss with the children, which rewards would make everybody happy.

Besides being helpful in changing one child’s behaviour, there are also broader family benefits of reward sharing There is a shift toward a more positive focus and away from a ‘failure’ orientation. In addition, such joint efforts tend to give the family a sense of unity through working together

None of us would like to be called a ‘miser’. It suggests someone stingy or selfish. But misers are not just the Ebenezer Scrooges who hoard money. Any of us can qualify as a ’social reward miser’. The necessary characteristics are:

I. Rarely show genuine interest in others;

2. Do not laugh with others;

3. Be cynical about what others are doing;

4. Fail to compliment others on their deeds or achievements; and

5. Keep a safe distance from others.

Think of people in your immediate life situation, such as relatives, friends, employers and acquaintances. How many of them in your judgment would qualify as social reward misers? Finally, how good are you at giving out social rewards?

Some parents are social reward misers with their children and arc not even aware of it. Often they feel that children `should’ do things out of a sense of duty.

“Children should obey their parents, children should keep themselves and their room clean, children should get good school results, children should do their jobs…” All of these are familiar phrases for children. Society has similar ones for adults: adults should pay their taxes, adults should work hard and be productive, adults should obey the speed limit. Yet, many people do not follow these adult ‘rules’ solely out of a sense of responsibility. How many citizens would pay their taxes on time if the tax-man didn’t care? Would all of us go to work and be productive without a wage packet? Would everyone obey speed limits without the police around?

In just the same way with children, many `shoulds’ don’t mean much unless there is some kind of reward (or perhaps even punishment) system involved to hack them up. Unfortunately, ’shoulds’ often imply the threat of punishment if a chore is not completed. Usually parents or children whose lives revolve around `shoulds’ are carrying a degree of fear or guilt. Parents who are social reward misers frequently expect children to do things out of “you should do” backed by a threat of punishment.

Some parents learn to be social reward misers because they themselves were treated that way as children.

If children are misbehaving and parents are becoming increasingly irritated, there may be less and less social rewarding – this is good training for becoming a reward miser! It is very difficult to-give social rewards to someone who makes us angry. This builds into a vicious circle because, as we stop using social rewards, the other person (whether child or adult) has less reason to behave in desirable ways – and so things get worse. When we ignore people who are doing things we want, it is likely they will not do those things in the future.

Adults often get caught in ‘miser traps’. While growing up, for instance, men get the message that they are supposed to be strong, silent, and somewhat emotionless. This often leads to holding back with social rewards.

is reflected best in a strong, silent and non-affectionate approach will very likely turn away from both his wife and children .

Another trap affects divorced parents. Mothers often have custody of children while fathers have access rights at weekends. Sometimes such a situation allows the father to make the mother appear to be a material and social-reward miser. When the children spend a weekend with him, they are allowed to do everything they like and have all his attention. Then, when they go back home to their mother who has the day-to-day living responsibilities and cannot provide instant entertainment’ all the time, they see her as no fun’ and a miser. Such a situation can deepen the wedge between the divorced parents and certainly doesn’t help the children either. On such a case, it is desirable that the divorced mother should express her concern to the children, talk over the situation with her ex-husband, and try to work out a compromise.)

There are several dangers of being a. social reward miser and also pointed out that parents who use lots of social rewards with their children for the right behavior will be more effective as parents. Just having children behave in ways that we like is a tremendous reward for us as parents! In addition to that, parents who give an abundance of social rewards will receive the same from their children.

The whole idea of popularity, of being liked by others, is based upon this fundamental rule: you get what you give.

Raising a child in today’s world is hard enough for two people. When there is only a single parent the challenges can be downright overwhelming. Combining the responsibility of earning a living with the sole responsibility for raising a child can seem like an insurmountable challenge at times, but there are some ways to make what may be the toughest job on earth a little bit easier.

Create Your Own Support Structure
A few generations ago most of us lived in close proximity to many members of our extended families, but no more. These days families are spread all around the country, and in some cases all around the world. This geographic spread has made it more difficult for single parents to create the type of support structure that moms and dads used to take for granted.

When grandma and grandpa lived right down the street it was easy to deal with a work emergency by simply asking them to check in on the kids after school. When grandma lives across the country that option no longer exists. That is why it is important for every parent – not just single parents – to build up a strong support structure. That support structure can consist of friends, coworkers and others. The only criteria is that those chosen be responsible and reliable. Having a strong support structure in place means having an individual who can be called upon when those inevitable problems arise. From problems with day care to problems with the family car, those in your network can help out when things go awry.

Choose a Family Friendly Employer
These days most of us do not have the luxury of hand picking an employer, but there are some things job seekers can do to increase their chances of finding a family friendly boss. A number of large corporations have gone out of their ways to accommodate the needs of working parents-providing flex time and job sharing and even allowing employees to work from home on a full or part time basis.

Finding such an employer can take some time, but having a Doss who understands the pressures and commitments single parents must face will make life a lot easier. Of course it is important for parents to do their part on the job-putting in extra hours when possible and always doing a stellar job for their employers. No matter what the state of the economy companies are reluctant to let great employers go, and those companies may be very willing to adjust schedules and make other accommodations to keep those star performers on the job.

Always Expect the Unexpected
With single parenting no two days will be the same. It is important for parents to always expect the unexpected when dealing with their children and their lives. Even the smallest problem can throw the day off track, so single parents need to learn to roll with the punches.

Children need to be held responsible for their actions. If this sense of responsibility is instilled to them while they are growing up, this will be good for their future. Do not make the mistake of assuming that the child is too young to understand responsibility. Maybe it is something as trivial as picking up their toys and keeping them away neatly, but once a child made this as his responsibility, he will do it gladly.

Involve them in small chores around the house and be ready with a word of praise when they do it. Keep it simple at first, like laying out the dinner plates. Then add on some more chores, even involving them on taking care of their younger siblings, and notice the pride that they take in while obeying you. The child must always be taught that he is responsible for what he does. Even it has been a minor squabble at the sand pit in the park, the child must be made aware that he has not behaved properly with his friend and needs to apologize. One way of doing this is to ask the child to imagine, that same action done to him and whether he would like that. Insist that he learn to share his toys with others if he wants them to do the same for him.

When you assign responsibilities ensure that your instructions are very clear and predictable. Make a list of all the things that you want for each of your children to do, and make sure that you are appreciative to them when they do it, not forgetting to reprimand them if they fail in their duties. Do not try to bribe a child to do something, by offering him a new toy or lunch at McDonalds if he does it. Bribing does not encourage responsible behavior. On the contrary the child may get used to demanding things for every action and this is definitely the wrong thing to teach him while he grows up.

If you have allotted a specific task to your child, be sure that he fully understands the reasons for what he is doing, and the right way of doing it. They will know that if they follow the guidance that they have been given, they will easily get the job done and earn your admiration. If the job is beyond their immediate capabilities, teach them by an actual demonstration on how you want the things to be done, and stay with them for the next few repetitions till they get the hang of it. Do not be too critical if they make mistakes and help them to correct it when they do.

Let the children know very clearly what could be the consequence for them on not taking their responsibilities. It may be something as simple as no TV, or docking their pocket money. But if they are aware of the results of neglecting their responsibilities, they will take it into consideration. If they do transgress in spite of this, make sure that the penalty that was decided is imposed without fail.

A responsible child is a credit to you and a good indicator of their future. Today’s society is very intolerant of people who are irresponsible, and if the children grew up to be not responsible for their actions, they may find society quite intolerant of them in the future. Take every opportunity to instill the sense of responsibility in your child. You are making his future brighter.