A funeral is an occasion when adults can say their last goodbyes and start the process of resolution. A child eight years or older has the same need to grieve as their parents, and should be encouraged to attend. The six- to eight-year-old has less to gain, but while not essential, it’s best to include them in the family group. The three-, four- and five-year-old has little understanding of death and gets no benefit from a funeral. At this young age it is parents and the expectation of others that influence whether a preschooler attends or not.
The need for open communication
Young children ask endless questions but don’t have much interest in the answers. Adults often cope with these queries by hiding behind the jargon of death: ‘We have just lost your grandma’; ‘She is sleeping in wonderful peace’; ‘She is happy up with the angels.’ With explanations like these children may wonder where it was you lost Grandma or may see sleep as a dangerous occupation.
Adults also make the mistake of believing that the under-eight-year-old needs deep and detailed answers. But when a five-year-old asks an innocent question they will be happy with a few words of general reassurance. It is your availability and unflustered attention they want because this lets them know they are safe and secure.
The over-eight-year-old wants more information, and it’s best to be honest and open. When Grandma is ill, tell the truth: ‘Yes, we are very worried. She may die, but we are doing all we can to help.’ If parents become stoic and non-communicative, children may bottle up their feelings, generate strange fears and get stuck in their resolution. But o: course, it is hard for parents to talk openly and clearly when they are drowning in their own grief.
Divorce and separation
There are many similarities between a child’s reaction to death and their reaction to divorce. Their understanding of the event depends on their j age, and all children are immensely influenced by the stability and emotional well-being of their parents.
It is believed that the children of a hostile break-up suffer more deeply than a together family that loses their dad through a tragic accident. When a parent dies friends flock around, there is a funeral, and then life slowly starts to get back on track. In a messy divorce friends have confused loyalties, there is no turn-around point and hostility can go on for years.
How children react
The under-six-year-old is all feeling and no understanding. They resent what has happened and react by clinging closely or responding with bad behavior. They don’t know what is going on but they hate the tension and disruption.
The six- to eight-year-old is also confused and disturbed by the disruption. They have a limited understanding, and are more unsettled than disruptive in their reaction.
The over-eights are more aware and they know that this event is forever. They may be confused in their loyalties. They often react with preoccupation, withdrawal and a reduction in academic grades.
Whatever the age, children do best when parents act amicably and maintain the maximum environmental stability.