A funeral is an occasion when adults can say their last goodbyes and start the process of resolution. A child eight years or older has the same need to grieve as their parents, and should be encouraged to attend. The six- to eight-year-old has less to gain, but while not essential, it’s best to include them in the family group. The three-, four- and five-year-old has little understanding of death and gets no benefit from a funeral. At this young age it is parents and the expectation of others that influence whether a preschooler attends or not.

The need for open communication

Young children ask endless questions but don’t have much interest in the answers. Adults often cope with these queries by hiding behind the jargon of death: ‘We have just lost your grandma’; ‘She is sleeping in wonderful peace’; ‘She is happy up with the angels.’ With explanations like these children may wonder where it was you lost Grandma or may see sleep as a dangerous occupation.

Adults also make the mistake of believing that the under-eight-year-old needs deep and detailed answers. But when a five-year-old asks an innocent question they will be happy with a few words of general reassurance. It is your availability and unflustered attention they want because this lets them know they are safe and secure.

The over-eight-year-old wants more information, and it’s best to be honest and open. When Grandma is ill, tell the truth: ‘Yes, we are very worried. She may die, but we are doing all we can to help.’ If parents become stoic and non-communicative, children may bottle up their feelings, generate strange fears and get stuck in their resolution. But o: course, it is hard for parents to talk openly and clearly when they are drowning in their own grief.

Divorce and separation

There are many similarities between a child’s reaction to death and their reaction to divorce. Their understanding of the event depends on their j age, and all children are immensely influenced by the stability and emotional well-being of their parents.

It is believed that the children of a hostile break-up suffer more deeply than a together family that loses their dad through a tragic accident. When a parent dies friends flock around, there is a funeral, and then life slowly starts to get back on track. In a messy divorce friends have confused loyalties, there is no turn-around point and hostility can go on for years.

How children react

The under-six-year-old is all feeling and no understanding. They resent what has happened and react by clinging closely or responding with bad behavior. They don’t know what is going on but they hate the tension and disruption.

The six- to eight-year-old is also confused and disturbed by the disruption. They have a limited understanding, and are more unsettled than disruptive in their reaction.

The over-eights are more aware and they know that this event is forever. They may be confused in their loyalties. They often react with preoccupation, withdrawal and a reduction in academic grades.

Whatever the age, children do best when parents act amicably and maintain the maximum environmental stability.

The purpose of a contract is to provide an agreement which clearly specifies the behavior expected and the rewards that can be earned. It is written in simple language (or pictures for small children), is displayed publicly, and helps the parties involved remember the terms of the agreement. Often such an agreement is posted somewhere in easy view and can be used for recording daily behavior change, such as earning gold stars or points. With young children, parents usually set up a contract on the basis of what they already know about rewards for their children. With older children, parents may need to negotiate a contract that is, specifying what they want the children to do, exploring what the children would like to earn, and agreeing upon a fair system of behavior and rewards.

Parents may have to spend considerable time with the children in negotiation because of disagreements about the value of rewards (children sometimes arc unrealistic about the cost of material things), and the amount of effort that should go into earning them. Like management and labor, parents and children can usually reach an agreement and can finally ’sign’ the document to show good faith. If the terms of the contract are carried out by the child, parents must follow through on their end of the bargain. If either party cannot abide by the agreement, the contract Mould he terminated and a new one drawn up. It is usually, best to make a contract for only a short period of time (a week or two), since experience may find it to be too easy or too difficult.

Even the best contracts have to be reassessed every now and then. Having a written contract is valuable because it requires a positive focus, serves as a visual reminder of the agreement, and keeps both parents and children on target.

In carrying out such a contract, Mother in4y wish to check the room with Sally in the afternoon just before her daily snack time. She already knows Sally likes biscuits, chocolate milkshake and fruit. Yet, it may be neccessary to prompt Sally at first, re-explain and show her how to do each of the things shown in the pictorial contract, using the step-by-step principle. After a couple of days, Sally should be able to manage without further instruction, depending on her age and physical skills (and upon the degree of perfection her mother expects)!

A number of assumptions are included in this example of a contract. First, the child must know exactly what the tasks involve (when defined as ‘bed made’ or ‘table cleared’). Second, the parents will have to decide which the more important aspects of behaviour to them are and which seem to be the easiest. Points are then weighted accordingly. We are also assuming that the sister who is being ‘insulted’ is able to focus positively and determine, on an hourly basis, whether she was insulted or not. (The problem behavior is `insults’, which are easy to count, but that would be negative focus. The sister must be able to record time without such insults so that the family may reward it.)

In the sample contract, the child gets a choice of how to cash in earned points. There is a long-term ’special reward’ included so that, after 150 total points are earned, a party can be given. Such events happen occasionally in most families anyway, so why not include a party for a special reward? The chart shows daily progress and steps towards the big reward. If the child is doing a good job on most items, the parents may allow self-monitoring (or self scoring) and marking-up of points (with occasional checks for accuracy). The whole thing finishes about three week later (an older child may be able to handle this longer period), and may be reassessed at that time if necessary.

Remember, in forming a contract:

1. Pinpoint the desired behavior.

2. Whenever appropriate, state the checking time when the improvement in behaviour has to be completed. Just saying ‘feed the dog daily’ could mean any time within 24 hours.

3. State the behavior with a positive focus.

4. Clearly specify what the rewards are, their cost, and when they will be given.

5. Place the contract in a public place for all to see. Most children really like earning things and seeing their progress publicly displayed.

6. Re-evaluate the contract on a weekly basis to determine effectiveness. If necessary, new reward values can be assigned to desired behavior. For example, if an improvement in behavior is not occurring at all, the reward may be too small and can be increased.

Contracts are a common means of adult communication. They require both parties to be clear about their desires and expectations, and they specify both rewards for successful completion and penalties for failure. If we are to improve communication with children, such clear statements can be of value. Although a written contract is not always necessary (just as it is not always necessary between adults) dues allow for fewer misunderstandings. Also, a written contract says to both parties’ `We are serious about changing things here!’

Imagine this situation: Mum and Dad have two young children. At the end of the day, Dad comes home, hoping to watch the six o’clock news. The children are running about, making a lot of noise. Dad calls out to Mum in the other room. ‘You’re at home with these children all the time. Can’t you do something about this noise? I work all day and I’d like to come home just once in a while and have a little peace and quiet.’ This father believes that it is the mother’s responsibility to make sure the children are quiet when he is there.

In a minor variation of the same situation, Mum may come home from work to hear Dad say, ‘These children have been a terror today, and I want you to do something about it!’ he believes that the mother has responsibility to deal out the punishment and may have threatened the children with ‘Just wait until your mother gets home!’

Some parents believe that ‘boy problems’ are Dad’s responsibility while ‘girl problems’ are Mum’s. A mother will say `Can’t you do something with that son of yours?’ while the father suggests, ‘You’d better have a talk with your daughter.’ Such division of parental responsibility is inefficient for dealing with child problems. We advocate an equal relationship, with shared roles and responsibilities.

A family is built upon a complex system of situations between parents, children and often relatives. It should be apparent that a child’s behavior is unlikely to change if only one family member modifies his or her reactions while the others continue on as before. If we want any behavioral change program to be effective, it must include all members of the family, specifying the part each person plays in the situation, what they must do, and how they must change. Everybody can be involved in the planning by sitting down together and talking it over, so that everyone knows what is going on.

Weight loss is a slow process. Pounds do not suddenly disappear, and any person changing their eating habits needs all the encouragement possible. With all family members involved and on a positive focus, there can be lots of social rewards for exercising, eating smaller portions, and giving up high-calorie foods.

Thus, regardless of the behavior to be changed, you need to be sure that all family members are involved, know how to socially reward the desired behavior, and follow through. Treat it as a family project where nobody feels excluded. It is particularly important that no family member suffers by a program to change another’,s behavior, because the likely reaction to an undeserved penalty is to sabotage the program.

How do you get other children in the family to co-operate with a behavioral change program, rather than ridicule the child involved or sabotage parents’ efforts? It’s no secret that children enjoy teasing and annoying each other, and may even be delighted when the other one gets into trouble with their parents. In short, children can develop an acute sense of negative focus by eagerly picking away at anything they know will irritate a brother or sister., The end result is that Mum or Dad must play referee. When dealing with a specific behavioral problem, we want to be sure that not only Mum and Dad, but also the brother and/or sister, have a positive focus on the improved behavior. Reward sharing provides a reason for the other child to encourage a change in behavior rather than hinder it.

Choosing the reward to share must be done carefully. It has to be something that everybody likes and it must he special — that is, something which doesn’t occur very often. In other words, it is not already a regular part of family entertainment. If it’s routine to go out for a meal every Friday night, don’t suddenly insist that one child has to behave correctly or nobody goes out. That puts everybody in the position of being punished if the child in question does not immediately perform well. It may result in great pressure from brothers or sisters who don’t want to be cheated out of their normal fun. Once the special family reward has been selected, behavior is then recorded and socially rewarded, step-by- step. Possibly points or stars can be used until a desired goal is reached. Then the family can share the special reward.

The emphasis is not on if the goal is going to be reached, but when. Parents should also avoid planning shared rewards that are time limited, running out at a certain date and placing a child under pressure Cif James gets 50 points by Sunday, we can all go to the beach’). Instead, it should be planned to allow the child to achieve success at his or her own pace (When James has collected 50 points, we can all have a day at the beach’).

In the first exam Dad set up a shared reward for the boys and specified the behavior required, but expected a perfect record by t he next weekend. When Wayne carried out his task for three out of five days, he got no reward for his partial success. Dick was completely faithful to the task, yet he too got no reward. Dad set it up so that any failure on Wayne’s part would automatically result in punishment for both boys, regardless of how well Dick did his job. Conflict between the two boys • can certainly be expected. David’s Dad, in the second example, sets up a shared reward system for both boys. No one is left out, and both are earning points towards separate family goals. Dad has set no time limit, sop he rewards any improvement in David’s efforts. The boys know that eventually they will be going to a cricket match. Alto Joel is likely to show more interest in David’s success and may even remind him to take care of his pet. Remember, in :a good reward sharing plan, you must he sure that the child:ren are sharing rewards and not being punished through denial of an expected reward. Keep in mind that rewards are a personal thing. With children of very different ages, you may have to do some searching for a reward that interests everybody! It is certainly desirable to ask, and to discuss with the children, which rewards would make everybody happy.

Besides being helpful in changing one child’s behaviour, there are also broader family benefits of reward sharing There is a shift toward a more positive focus and away from a ‘failure’ orientation. In addition, such joint efforts tend to give the family a sense of unity through working together