None of us would like to be called a ‘miser’. It suggests someone stingy or selfish. But misers are not just the Ebenezer Scrooges who hoard money. Any of us can qualify as a ’social reward miser’. The necessary characteristics are:

I. Rarely show genuine interest in others;

2. Do not laugh with others;

3. Be cynical about what others are doing;

4. Fail to compliment others on their deeds or achievements; and

5. Keep a safe distance from others.

Think of people in your immediate life situation, such as relatives, friends, employers and acquaintances. How many of them in your judgment would qualify as social reward misers? Finally, how good are you at giving out social rewards?

Some parents are social reward misers with their children and arc not even aware of it. Often they feel that children `should’ do things out of a sense of duty.

“Children should obey their parents, children should keep themselves and their room clean, children should get good school results, children should do their jobs…” All of these are familiar phrases for children. Society has similar ones for adults: adults should pay their taxes, adults should work hard and be productive, adults should obey the speed limit. Yet, many people do not follow these adult ‘rules’ solely out of a sense of responsibility. How many citizens would pay their taxes on time if the tax-man didn’t care? Would all of us go to work and be productive without a wage packet? Would everyone obey speed limits without the police around?

In just the same way with children, many `shoulds’ don’t mean much unless there is some kind of reward (or perhaps even punishment) system involved to hack them up. Unfortunately, ’shoulds’ often imply the threat of punishment if a chore is not completed. Usually parents or children whose lives revolve around `shoulds’ are carrying a degree of fear or guilt. Parents who are social reward misers frequently expect children to do things out of “you should do” backed by a threat of punishment.

Some parents learn to be social reward misers because they themselves were treated that way as children.

If children are misbehaving and parents are becoming increasingly irritated, there may be less and less social rewarding – this is good training for becoming a reward miser! It is very difficult to-give social rewards to someone who makes us angry. This builds into a vicious circle because, as we stop using social rewards, the other person (whether child or adult) has less reason to behave in desirable ways – and so things get worse. When we ignore people who are doing things we want, it is likely they will not do those things in the future.

Adults often get caught in ‘miser traps’. While growing up, for instance, men get the message that they are supposed to be strong, silent, and somewhat emotionless. This often leads to holding back with social rewards.

is reflected best in a strong, silent and non-affectionate approach will very likely turn away from both his wife and children .

Another trap affects divorced parents. Mothers often have custody of children while fathers have access rights at weekends. Sometimes such a situation allows the father to make the mother appear to be a material and social-reward miser. When the children spend a weekend with him, they are allowed to do everything they like and have all his attention. Then, when they go back home to their mother who has the day-to-day living responsibilities and cannot provide instant entertainment’ all the time, they see her as no fun’ and a miser. Such a situation can deepen the wedge between the divorced parents and certainly doesn’t help the children either. On such a case, it is desirable that the divorced mother should express her concern to the children, talk over the situation with her ex-husband, and try to work out a compromise.)

There are several dangers of being a. social reward miser and also pointed out that parents who use lots of social rewards with their children for the right behavior will be more effective as parents. Just having children behave in ways that we like is a tremendous reward for us as parents! In addition to that, parents who give an abundance of social rewards will receive the same from their children.

The whole idea of popularity, of being liked by others, is based upon this fundamental rule: you get what you give.