A funeral is an occasion when adults can say their last goodbyes and start the process of resolution. A child eight years or older has the same need to grieve as their parents, and should be encouraged to attend. The six- to eight-year-old has less to gain, but while not essential, it’s best to include them in the family group. The three-, four- and five-year-old has little understanding of death and gets no benefit from a funeral. At this young age it is parents and the expectation of others that influence whether a preschooler attends or not.

The need for open communication

Young children ask endless questions but don’t have much interest in the answers. Adults often cope with these queries by hiding behind the jargon of death: ‘We have just lost your grandma’; ‘She is sleeping in wonderful peace’; ‘She is happy up with the angels.’ With explanations like these children may wonder where it was you lost Grandma or may see sleep as a dangerous occupation.

Adults also make the mistake of believing that the under-eight-year-old needs deep and detailed answers. But when a five-year-old asks an innocent question they will be happy with a few words of general reassurance. It is your availability and unflustered attention they want because this lets them know they are safe and secure.

The over-eight-year-old wants more information, and it’s best to be honest and open. When Grandma is ill, tell the truth: ‘Yes, we are very worried. She may die, but we are doing all we can to help.’ If parents become stoic and non-communicative, children may bottle up their feelings, generate strange fears and get stuck in their resolution. But o: course, it is hard for parents to talk openly and clearly when they are drowning in their own grief.

Divorce and separation

There are many similarities between a child’s reaction to death and their reaction to divorce. Their understanding of the event depends on their j age, and all children are immensely influenced by the stability and emotional well-being of their parents.

It is believed that the children of a hostile break-up suffer more deeply than a together family that loses their dad through a tragic accident. When a parent dies friends flock around, there is a funeral, and then life slowly starts to get back on track. In a messy divorce friends have confused loyalties, there is no turn-around point and hostility can go on for years.

How children react

The under-six-year-old is all feeling and no understanding. They resent what has happened and react by clinging closely or responding with bad behavior. They don’t know what is going on but they hate the tension and disruption.

The six- to eight-year-old is also confused and disturbed by the disruption. They have a limited understanding, and are more unsettled than disruptive in their reaction.

The over-eights are more aware and they know that this event is forever. They may be confused in their loyalties. They often react with preoccupation, withdrawal and a reduction in academic grades.

Whatever the age, children do best when parents act amicably and maintain the maximum environmental stability.

When there is a death of someone close to the family, there is usually a dilemma. Do we allow the children to attend the wake and funeral?

The first consideration should always be the feelings of the grieving family. It may be a good idea to ask them if they are alright with you bringing your child to this event.

Children can be disruptive and loud. It’s just what they do. This may not be what the family wants or can even handle during their time of grief.

Another consideration is your own customs. Some customs allow children participate in funerals all the time whereas others do not allow them at all. If you believe that it is appropriate for your child to be there and the family is alright with it then there is no reason not to take them.

Your child’s stage of development and ability to understand death may be another factor. They may be able to handle the sadness around them and understand that the death of a loved one means that they are not coming back or they may be totally over-whelmed by the grieving process and be confused.

Talk to your child ahead of time and explain to them, in terms that they can understand and are age appropriate, what you will be doing there and why. Explaining to them that this will be a quiet place and that they need to whisper may be a good starting point. This may allow them to begin the understanding process so that they are not as confused when you get them there.

Of course, they will have questions, answer them as honestly as possible. Again, using terms that they are able to comprehend. It isn’t necessary to tell them that Granddaddy had a Myocardial Infarction due to a massive embolism. These words are scary for an adult let alone a child. Keep it simple.

Make sure you allow them to express whatever it is they are feeling. Hushing them every other second will not help them. They need to understand that whatever it is they are feeling is alright and they are allowed to have their feelings. Be sure that they understand also how to express those feelings. Screaming and shouting is not the way to do it.

As always it is important to let your children see you grieving as well. They need to know that it is alright to be upset and cry. Seeing you do it will give them a feeling of safety in doing it themselves.

The choice of allowing your child to see death first hand at a younger age is a personal one. It really all depends on the child and what you and they are comfortable with.