Imagine this situation: Mum and Dad have two young children. At the end of the day, Dad comes home, hoping to watch the six o’clock news. The children are running about, making a lot of noise. Dad calls out to Mum in the other room. ‘You’re at home with these children all the time. Can’t you do something about this noise? I work all day and I’d like to come home just once in a while and have a little peace and quiet.’ This father believes that it is the mother’s responsibility to make sure the children are quiet when he is there.
In a minor variation of the same situation, Mum may come home from work to hear Dad say, ‘These children have been a terror today, and I want you to do something about it!’ he believes that the mother has responsibility to deal out the punishment and may have threatened the children with ‘Just wait until your mother gets home!’
Some parents believe that ‘boy problems’ are Dad’s responsibility while ‘girl problems’ are Mum’s. A mother will say `Can’t you do something with that son of yours?’ while the father suggests, ‘You’d better have a talk with your daughter.’ Such division of parental responsibility is inefficient for dealing with child problems. We advocate an equal relationship, with shared roles and responsibilities.
A family is built upon a complex system of situations between parents, children and often relatives. It should be apparent that a child’s behavior is unlikely to change if only one family member modifies his or her reactions while the others continue on as before. If we want any behavioral change program to be effective, it must include all members of the family, specifying the part each person plays in the situation, what they must do, and how they must change. Everybody can be involved in the planning by sitting down together and talking it over, so that everyone knows what is going on.
Weight loss is a slow process. Pounds do not suddenly disappear, and any person changing their eating habits needs all the encouragement possible. With all family members involved and on a positive focus, there can be lots of social rewards for exercising, eating smaller portions, and giving up high-calorie foods.
Thus, regardless of the behavior to be changed, you need to be sure that all family members are involved, know how to socially reward the desired behavior, and follow through. Treat it as a family project where nobody feels excluded. It is particularly important that no family member suffers by a program to change another’,s behavior, because the likely reaction to an undeserved penalty is to sabotage the program.
How do you get other children in the family to co-operate with a behavioral change program, rather than ridicule the child involved or sabotage parents’ efforts? It’s no secret that children enjoy teasing and annoying each other, and may even be delighted when the other one gets into trouble with their parents. In short, children can develop an acute sense of negative focus by eagerly picking away at anything they know will irritate a brother or sister., The end result is that Mum or Dad must play referee. When dealing with a specific behavioral problem, we want to be sure that not only Mum and Dad, but also the brother and/or sister, have a positive focus on the improved behavior. Reward sharing provides a reason for the other child to encourage a change in behavior rather than hinder it.
Choosing the reward to share must be done carefully. It has to be something that everybody likes and it must he special — that is, something which doesn’t occur very often. In other words, it is not already a regular part of family entertainment. If it’s routine to go out for a meal every Friday night, don’t suddenly insist that one child has to behave correctly or nobody goes out. That puts everybody in the position of being punished if the child in question does not immediately perform well. It may result in great pressure from brothers or sisters who don’t want to be cheated out of their normal fun. Once the special family reward has been selected, behavior is then recorded and socially rewarded, step-by- step. Possibly points or stars can be used until a desired goal is reached. Then the family can share the special reward.
The emphasis is not on if the goal is going to be reached, but when. Parents should also avoid planning shared rewards that are time limited, running out at a certain date and placing a child under pressure Cif James gets 50 points by Sunday, we can all go to the beach’). Instead, it should be planned to allow the child to achieve success at his or her own pace (When James has collected 50 points, we can all have a day at the beach’).
In the first exam Dad set up a shared reward for the boys and specified the behavior required, but expected a perfect record by t he next weekend. When Wayne carried out his task for three out of five days, he got no reward for his partial success. Dick was completely faithful to the task, yet he too got no reward. Dad set it up so that any failure on Wayne’s part would automatically result in punishment for both boys, regardless of how well Dick did his job. Conflict between the two boys • can certainly be expected. David’s Dad, in the second example, sets up a shared reward system for both boys. No one is left out, and both are earning points towards separate family goals. Dad has set no time limit, sop he rewards any improvement in David’s efforts. The boys know that eventually they will be going to a cricket match. Alto Joel is likely to show more interest in David’s success and may even remind him to take care of his pet. Remember, in :a good reward sharing plan, you must he sure that the child:ren are sharing rewards and not being punished through denial of an expected reward. Keep in mind that rewards are a personal thing. With children of very different ages, you may have to do some searching for a reward that interests everybody! It is certainly desirable to ask, and to discuss with the children, which rewards would make everybody happy.
Besides being helpful in changing one child’s behaviour, there are also broader family benefits of reward sharing There is a shift toward a more positive focus and away from a ‘failure’ orientation. In addition, such joint efforts tend to give the family a sense of unity through working together