Just as parents socially reward children, children socially reward us as parents: by doing what is asked of them having a generally cheerful disposition, smiling and laughing, acting excited and happy when they see us, showing affection, and imitating our behavior – in short, by making us feel needed and loved.

As children grow into the teenage years there is often a marked change in their world of social rewards. They have many friends at school, an entire social structure outside the social rewards more than those at home. Parents often wonder what happened. They feel that their children no longer consider them so important. There may he some truth in this but if parents give a lot of social rewards (even to teenagers), it is reasonable to expect that teenagers will reciprocate. Teenagers can socially reward parents by showing affection (although perhaps toned-down), having a sense of humour, talking about their lives, showing interest in what their parents are doing, and not treating them as if they were horribly old-fashioned.

Finally, this principle applies not only between parents and children but is true with any two individuals, brother and sister, husband and wife, employer and employee, or friends.

What kinds of material rewards do you value? The list might include a nice home, clothes, jewelry, cars, perfume, and boats – just about anything money will buy! Of course children have their prized rewards too: sweets, biscuits, dolls, toys. Material rewards (as we use the term) are tangible objects that have some economic value.

There is another very important type of reward – the social variety. Social rewards are intangible, cost nothing, and there is no limit to the supply. Some of the most important rewards for children are attention, praise, smiles, affection, touching and laughter. When it comes to social rewards, it is interesting to note that adults respond to the same things that children like. In fact, most of our adult interactions and relationships are based upon social rewards.

There are also a few rewards that seem to fit into both categories, material objects that have primarily social value., such as gold stars, points, or marks. For adults, status, position, titles, and maybe even medals, qualify.

Social rewards are far more important than material rewards in changing behavior. Most of us would like to have lots of material possessions! Wealth can indeed make life easier, but happiness and feelings of satisfaction with life depend upon a great deal more than just material wealth. Social interactions – that is human relationships – give life its warmth and vitality. No one ever gets tired of friendship, love, appreciation, concern, or interest from others!

Never underestimate the power of social rewards. Long term change doesn’t come about from sweets and biscuits or gold stars. Meaningful behavior change comes from relating to children with love and care.

Theuse or non-use of money for school achievements is not really the issue here. Some parents feel happy about giving a ‘bonus’ for good marks, while others do not. The point is that, whether or not money is used, the real reward in terms of the parent-child relationship is the social reward. That is the one that will have the greatest long-term effects. We should note that the use of a material bonus for children’s achievements is in no way different from what happens with many adults who get something special for a ‘job well done’. Any kind of bonus is in part a social reward too, since it calls attention to the person’s behavior and singles it out for recognition. But, like the child example, a bonus paid to Dad or Mum by the boss personally, with a pal on the back and a comment about how good a job has been done, will certainly have more effect than just a cheque that shows up in a pay envelope without comment.

We sometimes hear young people say, `My dad was OK I suppose but he didn’t give anything of himself. Oh, he would give me money and buy me things, but there was no feeling between us,’ Or from a father, ‘After all I did for my son he still doesn’t seem to respect but don’t understand it. I bought him everything he wanted.’ Obviously material rewards are not enough!