As parents we want the best for our children. We want them to excel at everything they do. Not only that, we want them to feel good about themselves and what they have done. We encourage them to strive for the highest possible goal. But how do we teach them restraint when we can not use it ourselves.

For example: My 13 year old daughter had a basketball game this evening. She is pretty much a bench warmer. She is good at backyard basketball but has a difficult time on the court. She is timid and reserved unless she is battling the neighborhood boy. On her team there are two other girls that are her bench buddies. The three of them sit and watch the other 13 or 14 girls play.

Each and every game is the same. The same five girls start and end up playing at least the first quarter. A couple of the other girls rotate in and play most of the next quarter. A bench warmer plays for 30 seconds and someone else rotates in. Half time comes and the team has their pep talk. The rest of the game goes pretty much the same way. Occasionally, they play a fifth quarter in order to humor the girls that do not get to play and justify it by saying the teams are so large that everyone does not get to play.

I can understand that small schools these days do not want to tell kids they can not be on the team. They want to include everyone. As a benchwarmer of past, I can appreciate that. At first, I thought it was a great idea. The coaches certainly have a very hard job. They not only have to teach the fundamentals of a sport but they also have to decide who to play, when they play, and how long they get to stay in the game.
I find myself wondering, are we helping or hurting? All the way home tonight my child cried. She wants to prove to the coach that she can play but she never gets to play to prove it. She was very upset because she always rides the bench. All I can do is tell her to do her best and love what she is doing. I need to learn to hold my tongue and simply encourage rather than blame.

I want to blame the coach for not playing her. I want to blame her for not being aggressive enough. I want to blame the other girls for not liking her. I want to blame everyone for her not playing. I find myself getting pulled into the gripe sessions. As a mom, I am very passionate about her happiness. However, I sometimes by into it.

My thoughts and hopes are that as a parent, I can pull myself back from the situation and look more objectively at the whole junior high sports equation. The coach does her job. I might not like the way she does it. I might think she is showing bias towards her family members playing on the team. I can call bull to the fifth quarter. I can do all of that. I need to be more understanding. I need to recognize the fact that she has so many pressures and decisions to make and most of them in a split second. I need to be more appreciative of the extra quarter when it is played.

It is hard to make the right choice. My thoughts wander and I wonder if we should go back the way it was. Have try outs for every sport and at every grade level. Maybe we should just break kids will ,once. Tell them no. Tell them they are not good enough for the team, once. Let them watch the game from the stands with their other friends. Instead, they dress down and sit. They sit, hoping, wishing, wondering if this is the game they get to play. They cheer on their team and go home in tears because it was not the game. It was not their day. They just sat and did not play.

Now we have a no win situation. Let the kids that may not play as well on the team and make them official benchwarmers or tell them no you can not be on the team? What do you do? Life is full of questions and choices. Which one do you choose? Have a steady supply of Kleenex and band aids because either way someone is going to get hurt. But, isn’t that life?