When there is a death of someone close to the family, there is usually a dilemma. Do we allow the children to attend the wake and funeral?

The first consideration should always be the feelings of the grieving family. It may be a good idea to ask them if they are alright with you bringing your child to this event.

Children can be disruptive and loud. It’s just what they do. This may not be what the family wants or can even handle during their time of grief.

Another consideration is your own customs. Some customs allow children participate in funerals all the time whereas others do not allow them at all. If you believe that it is appropriate for your child to be there and the family is alright with it then there is no reason not to take them.

Your child’s stage of development and ability to understand death may be another factor. They may be able to handle the sadness around them and understand that the death of a loved one means that they are not coming back or they may be totally over-whelmed by the grieving process and be confused.

Talk to your child ahead of time and explain to them, in terms that they can understand and are age appropriate, what you will be doing there and why. Explaining to them that this will be a quiet place and that they need to whisper may be a good starting point. This may allow them to begin the understanding process so that they are not as confused when you get them there.

Of course, they will have questions, answer them as honestly as possible. Again, using terms that they are able to comprehend. It isn’t necessary to tell them that Granddaddy had a Myocardial Infarction due to a massive embolism. These words are scary for an adult let alone a child. Keep it simple.

Make sure you allow them to express whatever it is they are feeling. Hushing them every other second will not help them. They need to understand that whatever it is they are feeling is alright and they are allowed to have their feelings. Be sure that they understand also how to express those feelings. Screaming and shouting is not the way to do it.

As always it is important to let your children see you grieving as well. They need to know that it is alright to be upset and cry. Seeing you do it will give them a feeling of safety in doing it themselves.

The choice of allowing your child to see death first hand at a younger age is a personal one. It really all depends on the child and what you and they are comfortable with.