Until the age of four or five, children take for granted that they are who they are and that others are how they ought to be. They may not be happy with the way things are, but they accept them as normal or inevitable. Though younger children also make comparisons between themselves and others, these comparisons tend to be practical and momentary: who gets a place on the parents lap, whose birthday is coming sooner, who gets the longest cuddle with the puppy, which gets the most attention or approval. But by the age of six or seven, children begin to conceptualize the differences among themselves and to put themselves and others in certain categories. A child now makes new kinds of judgments about herself and others. Some children are better at school. Some are better at sports. Some are quicker to make friends. Some easily gain the approval of adults. The child sees her peers as people who, like herself, are small and dependent but who are also vastly different from her and in some ways “better,” in some ways “worse.”

During this phase, as a child develops a strong sense of how much others can do, she may feel that she falls short of her own and others’ expectations. A child needs our special help in making these comparisons safe, especially if she shows at least two of the following tendencies: she is reluctant to admit that something is difficult for her she dwells only on reaching and far-away goals (such as becoming an Olympic medalists or media star, without actually working toward these goals) she speaks disparagingly of all her friends she thinks all her friends are better than she at everything she loses interest in school